inner rantings..

what do you do when you are convinced that your husband is falling out of love for you, day by day..it might be creeping up slowly but nevertheless, happening anyway. do you stand by and just watch helplessly as it unfolds before you..watching for all the tell-tale signs of a probably crumbling marriage? or do you try to change? Change the things he is beginning to criticize, subtly or otherwise. Is that wise? to change your personality because he wonders "what exactly he has married"? to change your looks because "you are the type that will easily put on weight?" What is it that one can do when he can only look at you and see the stubborn acne that still pops up despite the fact that you thought you defeated puberty just some 10 or 12 years ago? The rash on your skin that you are trying to get rid of? To not like the fact that you are proud of your inner child? To think that your career is already a failure because you dont see the same things as achievement?
Maybe if all he is finding is criticism lately, then maybe, it might possibly be all me..perhaps I am letting myself go..comfortable in that fact that i am married..have a partner and nobody else that i need to impress..this despite the fact that I consider myself better looking now than i ever was? After I am gone, no one will ever say that I was a dazzling beauty or a great scholar. But I try to find comfort in the fact that maybe someone might say that i was remotely funny and occassionally made people laugh..is it safe then, to find excuses for his dissatisfaction with me? what happened to keeping up one's own spirit and passion despite joining in holy matrimony? Is one supposed to be nothing but a shadow of one's premarital life and a mirror of their partner's expectations? Is that wedded bliss? If so, then is that fair?
I know that there are faults which lie superficially and deep within my persona. I get too emotional. Cry too much. Drink too much and probably couldn't do anything in moderation even if i tried. can be too flighty and fickle-moving from one object of interest to another..But i know that i love..am even capable of worshipping someone wholeheartedly, sometimes too much for my own good. I can trust until that trust is broken but often, I turn a blind eye to things. I am not a great masker of emotions. What you see on my face is usually what I feel. Wish it were not that simple but it is ..
Of course, it doesnt help when he brings up such criticisms, that I think of that other woman..would he have been happier with her? would she have been more mature? more intellectually stimulating? would he have remained more attracted to her than he does me? silly thoughts it may be since he says he loves me. but am starting to question what exactly is it that he loves about me. its obviously not my personality or looks or ambitions..then what? or does he feel compelled to tell me that because it is almost three years into our marriage? What do you do when you passionately love someone and is almost desperate to hear them remark on how nice you look or anything that is passable to a compliment?
Does every marriage go through this? Does every woman ever feel like this? this feeling of being here but not extremely and passionately wanted? or is it all me? is it all just my feelings of self-worthlessness that I am projecting towards him? is it my childish nature again at play trying to stir up trouble? I dont know but am confused and even a little scared. Will it get better? Will i get over this? I hope so..